So I've been doing this supervisory gig here at work since the start of the year, and I just *can't* keep up with it on top of my regular job. And we're about to undergo a reorganization which I hear will bring even more work upon my head. So I went to my current supervisor and said I want to give up the supervising chunk and we found someone who was willing to take it on. And so we went to the dean and told her this. And she says, "no." No, I can't have a manageable workload. No, I can't share the burden with my coworkers. No, we can't have this job done right.
So I'm not sure what to do about that one.
By the way, hi internet! Long time no talk. You see, I've been busy with this job...
It's funny that the only time I seem to update this thing is when I feel like complaining about something :-) Today's topic: our (wonderful, awesome, unbelievable) day care is closing next month. EXCEPT, they want the parents to rally and keep it open. EXCEPT, no one has a plan for this to happen. EXCEPT, this one lady wants to buy it out and merge it with her day care. EXCEPT, she will fire our day care's staff to keep her own on. So our current day care wants us to commit to staying on, but they can't promise that the teachers will stay or even that they'll be open past the end of next month. And I feel very stuck, because I love the (wonderful, awesome, unbelievable) day care, but I need to know for my own sanity what is going on with kiddo's daily care and not scramble at the last minute to find a new place because plans fell through or our beloved teachers are not staying on or some other aspect is changed that makes it less perfect.
We lucked out and found a place at the day care on campus, which is very convenient and accredited and taught in the same way as our current day care. I think the main thing keeping me from signing the kiddo up is that she is so happy where she is, but it's going to change there no matter what I do. Plus I don't want to not support the place that has been so awesome and wonderful and unbelievable for two years of all our lives. Ugh!
Just what I needed this summer. More stress with a side of guilt!
Quick update, just in case anyone still reads this. I was doing some department-level supervising at the library since August but I'm quitting that to manage the reference desk instead. It's more in line with my 'career objectives' and will be less stressful (I hope). Kidlet is over her first fall illness which of course means Dad is sick with it. Just in time for the inlaws (my inlaws, not his) to visit Saturday, if we don't get that blizzard they're predicting...
Deep breaths, deep breaths...
Here's a little kidlet picture for anyone who would like to see.
How many times have I used that title? Anyhow, here's what's been going on the past six weeks or so.
- Still in management 'temporarily.' Last 'temporary' person in this position was in it for three years until she retired. That won't happen to me, I hope. The staying in it till retirement thing, not retiring in three years. That'd be pretty sweet!
- Although, I'd have to win the lotto to retire in three years, as Eric and I are buying a house (we hope). We are, as they say, under contract: http://is.gd/1wuE
- Got elected VP/President Elect of the regional library assn, so this year will be even busier.
- Eric just got up and went into the bedroom and closed the door. That's weird.
- The kiddo is definitely entering toddlerhood and approaching the 'terrible twos' quicker than her 16 months of age would have you believe.
So I didn't get either of the two jobs I interviewed for, but I did get a promotion at work to 'interim co-head of bibliographic management services.' I, along with a coworker, will be managing technical services while we run a search for the third time for a permanent person. So I will have a busy time the next six to twelve months. It will be interesting for sure--I have never supervised before and am looking forward to trying out being in management. Hopefully I won't turn into a Dilbert cartoon. But it will be good for me to have some new challenges.
Oh, and the reason it is a co-head position is because I have to keep doing my regular job on top of the new one. I get a bonus, though. I found out today that it's the equivalent of two weeks' pay. It's good that I'm not doing it for the money.
Re: the job search--the last position decided to revise and re-recruit in the fall. I was invited to reapply then so I'll think about it. This paragraph has a lot of 're' in it! This is the first time I've interviewed for a professional position without getting the job (twice!!), which was a bit of a blow to my self esteem but I'm not sure I was entirely ready to pack up and move.
It's interesting how my perspectives have changed when it comes to looking for employment since the kiddo came along. When visiting with people in 'informal' settings during the interviews I had to ask questions regarding day care, insurance benefits, flexible schedules, and the like while still trying to project a professional image. It's hard. I tried to keep it out of the formal interview sections of the day as much as I could. Hopefully I did a good job--no one said I didn't get the job because I was a parent, ha ha. But I feel like it might have been a factor in the more 'academic' of the two positions I interviewed for. Nothing overt, just a feeling.
I just read this morning yet another article about how people in academia generally and women especially choose not to have children, and if they do they're pressured to minimize any discussion of it in the workplace. It's funny because back when I was pregnant they trotted me out in front of every interviewee in the library to show how family friendly they are here (at least that's how it felt--I did get a lot of nice free dinners out of it though!). As for actual family friendly policies, there is NO paid leave here, NO day care, not much reduction in teaching and research demands, but at least there's a flexible schedule.
I have noticed since I got back from leave that I am not being asked to do as much at work: I'm not heading up committees like I used to, I'm being assigned fewer projects, and most conversations co-workers have with me have to do with my kiddo. I think it's a combination of things. It's definitely an easy conversation starter to ask me about Lorelei, so I think people do that. And I think our library is just not doing as much outreach or as many projects as we used to, and that people think they're doing me a favor by not asking me to be as involved. But at the same time I feel like I have to prove my commitment to work and the profession more than others who have no children, in order to be taken as seriously.
So, along with the more prosaic concerns of day care and pediatricians in a new place, I have to wonder if I'll be viewed differently if I come into a work situation as a parent. How much of a factor would it be in a new environment where no one knew me before? Would I have to work harder to prove myself, or would it be taken more as part of who I am? I could see how it might be difficult to get established in a new position with a 13 month old baby at home. Lots to think about!
Here's what I can remember reading the past few weeks. This may vary from what I've actually been reading because my brain is like a sieve lately.
Pandora's Star by Peter F. Hamilton: A fun but looooong sci fi novel. Had a cast of what felt like thousands. I got lost a few times. But it was pretty good.
Beautiful Boy by David Sheff: This was a father's memoir of his son's meth addiction--I had read the son's story, Tweak, a few weeks ago. Made me wonder how I'm going to mess up my own child. Not that the dad had much to do with things, but it still makes me wonder.
The Ten Year Nap by Meg Wolitzer: A story of a group of mothers as their children turn ten. Tied in stories of the mothers' mothers--kind of a neat style.
Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner: Why am I so stressed, and what can be done about it? a.) Social pressure and b.) better day care options. Sounds good. It also pointed out that whatever your child is or does is seen by others to reflect how good a mother you are--like when Lorelei can't sleep at night, this is why I feel like a failure and get so frustrated. It isn't a connection I had ever made but totally makes sense. The example the book used was the rise of autism diagnoses--it's a lot easier to say that a child has a disease than a problem that must be worked through, because to say *that* means you have failed as a mother according to society. Lots to mull over.
I complain a lot in this blog, hopefully on occasion for good reason. But I am reminded today by a colleague's story of what her new family is going through that I am so very lucky for what small troubles I have to deal with. Michelle, if you are reading this (not that you probably have time!), my hopes and prayers are with you and I'm sure Gideon will be fine with two great parents like you guys by his side.
An hour and a half ago I was supposed to leave for the state library conference, but I decided not to go since baby and husband are both sick. Eric is very offended that I didn't leave since he said he could manage on his own. I don't doubt he can handle it in general but I know if I was sick and Lorelei was sick, I would hope he would cancel any trip he had to stay home and help out. However, I'm feeling guilty because this is the second year I've had to cancel and I was also doing A LOT at this conference--presenting twice, running a meeting, facilitating three sessions, and attending my last association board meeting. I don't want to say it but maybe it's a bad idea to be so involved in conferences and associations while Lorelei is so little. I have been feeling stretched way too thin in general the past few months. I always thought that I'd be able to have a great career and be a good mom but maybe you really can't do both unless you have some help. A cook, housekeeper, nanny, nurse (especially a nurse as of late!), chauffeur, and masseuse would be a great start! Anyone want to chip in? Maybe we could work out some sort of time-share.
It's 2:30 am. Lorelei's first birthday party is in 7 hours. And both she and her dad have the stomach flu. I am really hoping I already had it via a bout of "food poisoning" earlier in the week, since someone's going to have to explain to the nine people coming from out of town why everyone who lives here is puking (except me, knock on wood). Not to mention the $50 worth of food that will likely go to waste.
Don't know whether to laugh or cry...guess it's a good thing I didn't go overboard and rent a pony or something crazy :-)
Recent Comments
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Jedi Mama said:
I don't think you have to give up conferences. Or well, you don't have to give up EVERYTHING. But in... read more
on The working mom idea takes another hit -
Randy and Jim said:
(whoops, wrong button) then go back to bed and get a good night's sleep. She will eventually get back on... read more
on Sleep, that elusive joy
Ugh, that sucks. I'm sorry. But you are doing the best you can by your little girl, which is good.... read more
on funny thing, life