Samantha's blog

So I didn't get either of the two jobs I interviewed for, but I did get a promotion at work to 'interim co-head of bibliographic management services.' I, along with a coworker, will be managing technical services while we run a search for the third time for a permanent person.  So I will have a busy time the next six to twelve months.  It will be interesting for sure--I have never supervised before and am looking forward to trying out being in management.  Hopefully I won't turn into a Dilbert cartoon.  But it will be good for me to have some new challenges.

Oh, and the reason it is a co-head position is because I have to keep doing my regular job on top of the new one.  I get a bonus, though.  I found out today that it's the equivalent of two weeks' pay.  It's good that I'm not doing it for the money.

Re: the job search--the last position decided to revise and re-recruit in the fall.  I was invited to reapply then so I'll think about it.  This paragraph has a lot of 're' in it!  This is the first time I've interviewed for a professional position without getting the job (twice!!), which was a bit of a blow to my self esteem but I'm not sure I was entirely ready to pack up and move.

It's interesting how my perspectives have changed when it comes to looking for employment since the kiddo came along.   When visiting with people in 'informal' settings during the interviews I had to ask questions regarding day care, insurance benefits, flexible schedules, and the like while still trying to project a professional image.  It's hard.  I tried to keep it out of the formal interview sections of the day as much as I could.  Hopefully I did a good job--no one said I didn't get the job because I was a parent, ha ha.  But I feel like it might have been a factor in the more 'academic' of the two positions I interviewed for.  Nothing overt, just a feeling.

I just read this morning yet another article about how people in academia generally and women especially choose not to have children, and if they do they're pressured to minimize any discussion of it in the workplace.  It's funny because back when I was pregnant they trotted me out in front of every interviewee in the library to show how family friendly they are here (at least that's how it felt--I did get a lot of nice free dinners out of it though!).  As for actual family friendly policies, there is NO paid leave here, NO day care, not much reduction in teaching and research demands, but at least there's a flexible schedule.

I have noticed since I got back from leave that I am not being asked to do as much at work: I'm not heading up committees like I used to, I'm being assigned fewer projects, and most conversations co-workers have with me have to do with my kiddo.  I think it's a combination of things.  It's definitely an easy conversation starter to ask me about Lorelei, so I think people do that.  And I think our library is just not doing as much outreach or as many projects as we used to, and that people think they're doing me a favor by not asking me to be as involved.  But at the same time I feel like I have to prove my commitment to work and the profession more than others who have no children, in order to be taken as seriously.

So, along with the more prosaic concerns of day care and pediatricians in a new place, I have to wonder if I'll be viewed differently if I come into a work situation as a parent.  How much of a factor would it be in a new environment where no one knew me before?  Would I have to work harder to prove myself, or would it be taken more as part of who I am?  I could see how it might be difficult to get established in a new position with a 13 month old baby at home.  Lots to think about!

Here's what I can remember reading the past few weeks.  This may vary from what I've actually been reading because my brain is like a sieve lately.

Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster

Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer:  I read this one a while ago, maybe around jury duty time.  Very interesting account of one of the worst climbing disasters on Everest.  I'm not a climber nor do I know much about Everest but it was still fun and accessible. 

Pandora's Star by Peter F. Hamilton:  A fun but looooong sci fi novel.  Had a cast of what felt like thousands.   I got lost a few times.  But it was pretty good. 

Beautiful Boy by David Sheff:  This was a father's memoir of his son's meth addiction--I had read the son's story, Tweak, a few weeks ago.  Made me wonder how I'm going to mess up my own child.  Not that the dad had much to do with things, but it still makes me wonder. 

The Ten-Year Nap

I complain a lot in this blog, hopefully on occasion for good reason.  But I am reminded today by a colleague's story of what her new family is going through that I am so very lucky for what small troubles I have to deal with.  Michelle, if you are reading this (not that you probably have time!), my hopes and prayers are with you and I'm sure Gideon will be fine with two great parents like you guys by his side.  

An hour and a half ago I was supposed to leave for the state library conference, but I decided not to go since baby and husband are both sick.  Eric is very offended that I didn't leave since he said he could manage on his own.  I don't doubt he can handle it in general but I know if I was sick and Lorelei was sick, I would hope he would cancel any trip he had to stay home and help out.  However, I'm feeling guilty because this is the second year I've had to cancel and I was also doing A LOT at this conference--presenting twice, running a meeting, facilitating three sessions, and attending my last association board meeting.  I don't want to say it but maybe it's a bad idea to be so involved in conferences and associations while Lorelei is so little.  I have been feeling stretched way too thin in general the past few months.  I always thought that I'd be able to have a great career and be a good mom but maybe you really can't do both unless you have some help.  A cook, housekeeper, nanny, nurse (especially a nurse as of late!), chauffeur, and masseuse would be a great start!  Anyone want to chip in?  Maybe we could work out some sort of time-share.

It's 2:30 am.  Lorelei's first birthday party is in 7 hours.  And both she and her dad have the stomach flu.  I am really hoping I already had it via a bout of "food poisoning" earlier in the week, since someone's going to have to explain to the nine people coming from out of town why everyone who lives here is puking (except me, knock on wood).  Not to mention the $50 worth of food that will likely go to waste.

Don't know whether to laugh or cry...guess it's a good thing I didn't go overboard and rent a pony or something crazy :-)

Happy St. Pattys.  We are all trying to recover from a series of colds here stretching all the way back to Feb. 11th.  Oy.  I *think* we are on the mend though.  Cross your fingers!  Here's what I've read while under the weather.

I Am America (And So Can You!)

I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert:  This book is made of awesome.

Tweak by Nic Sheff:  Depressing memoir of a teenage drug user.  I say depressing because now I'm all worried the kiddo will turn out like that.  How will I screw her up??  Time will tell.  The book was a real page turner though.

The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't

The No A$$hole Rule by Dr. Robert Sutton:  Good advice on how to deal with a tough work environment and to create one that works well.  I can think of a lot of people who could benefit from this book...

Stop Spoiling That Man!: Turn Your Needy Guy into an Equal, Loving Partner

Stop Spoiling That Man by John and Victoria Arden:  Boy, is Eric spoiled.  And it's all my fault.  Perhaps this book will help.  I try reading it a lot in his presence but he still doesn't clean the litterbox without being asked about thirty times. 

American Academy of Pediatrics Guide to Your Child's Sleep by George Cohen and Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber: I guess we'll see if Lorelei's sleep problems are better understood and/or solved.  She's not a bad kid, she's just going through a needy spell with the colds and the time change and all...

Speaking of sleep problems, gotta go put the kiddo back to bed!

I thought about putting this story in the baby blog but figured my husband might get annoyed since he comes off like a total jerk.  He blames his behavior on Nyquil.

Anyhow, Lorelei has been having problems sleeping lately, probably because we (mostly me) kind of spoiled her when she was sick with RSV/ear infections by rocking her to sleep every night and walking with her in the middle of the night while waiting for the tylenol to kick in.  Prior to this, she'd been able to soothe herself to sleep at night and for naps at home for the most part and rarely woke us up at night (a dream child!). 

The kiddo got better, but still wanted middle of the night snuggles and rocking to sleep, because who wouldn't?  This became even more of a problem now that I'm sick and not getting well very fast due to lack of sleep.  So we (mostly Eric) decided that we needed to be sterner with her and just lay her down in her crib, give her some pats on the back until she calms down, then leave her to get back to sleep on her own.  We put her to bed about 15-20 minutes early last night because she was so tired--she doesn't nap at day care because they are understandably too busy to hold her while she sleeps and that's the only way she's napping lately--and she went to sleep fairly easily.  Eric was good enough to turn off the tv while she ate her bedtime bottle which helped in my opinion.  Usually Keith Olbermann is blasting which doesn't help anyone relax.  She cried a bit when she went in the crib but I went back in and patted her on the back and she calmed down and went to sleep.

She then woke up at 10, crying sleepily.  So I went in then, laid her down (because she always stands up at the end of the crib to cry for me), gave her a pacifier, and tucked her in.  By the time I tucked her in she was back asleep.  I then went back to sleep since I went to bed at 8--as I said I've been sick and not able to sleep much so it's pretty much all I can do to stay up till she goes to bed most nights.

I was woken up once again at 1am by sleepy crying.  I went in her room and repeated the procedure.  This time she started crying right after I laid back down.  I was too tired to get back up, plus she didn't sound too serious, so I figured she'd probably fall asleep in a few minutes.  So I was laying there, trying to decide when or if I should go back in, when Eric sits up in bed and yells, "What the hell do you think you're doing?  Can't you hear the baby crying???"

Understandably confused, I told him I was just in there and she was fine, and weren't we supposed to be letting her get herself back to sleep anyhow?  He growled at me that something was 'obviously wrong' and that I was horrible for letting her cry and not checking it out.  So for some reason I did not just punch him in the nose and go back to sleep, or tell him to go check on her himself, but instead went to the kiddo's room, laid her back down, tucked her in, and rubbed her back for about thirty seconds (she's getting to the point that when I come in the room, she lays herself down--progress?) until she fell asleep.  This time she stayed asleep until 6.  Eric did apologize when I got back into bed but I was a bit miffed.  Seems like it's not just me who is opposed to letting her cry it out!

Feel free to give sleep suggestions.  I'm thinking earplugs and a separate bedroom from Eric may be a good start!  Actually I hear that we are still pretty lucky that she only wakes up a couple of times in the night and *usually* will go back to sleep within 15 minutes...

This was inspired by a comment I made on Mother Popper, and is something gender related (of course!) that has been bothering me a lot the past few months.  I've been on the Obama bandwagon since I read Dreams From My Father (such a well written, thoughtful, inspiring book!) but I have been having a hard time with how the media is covering the presidential race on the Democratic side. I was just commenting to Eric the other day that, based on this campaign, race is not really an issue anymore in our country, but gender certainly is. An example from Hillary's 60 Minutes interview, when Katie brought up the 'Miss Frigidaire" nickname Hillary had in school (http://rubyurl.com/Evw0) and the people protesting Hillary's events by chanting 'iron my shirt' -- it's just downright depressing. Think about how it would have played if people were chanting 'pick my cotton' at Obama rallies, or if Katie asked Barack about his basketball playing ability (although come to think of it I have seen this in some interviews)?

The way women in the U.S. are treated if they attempt to enter 'masculine' space is despicable and I am really starting to feel for Hillary. Not enough to vote for her, but enough to feel ashamed for how she's being treated and to wonder what I could do to help make things better.